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I`ve gotten to that age where nothing fits right anymore. Even my birthday suit looks like it needs ironing...
I know that no means no, but that`s about the extent of my Spanish.
I`ll be a morning person when it`s Christmas.
I was an atheist, until I realized I was a sex god.
hate it when someone says they are miserable when their profile picture says otherwise.
My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn`t a very nice postcard to receive.
I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra
The best thing about telepathy is.. I know, right!
I`m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest any of you in despair and disappointment?
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool
I can`t figure out why everyone calls me a smart-ass. Is it because I`m smart and have a great ass?
Pretty impressed at petrol station today, as i was filling up, i heard woman with truck at next pump say is that Vin Diesel, I smiled, then realised she meant Van Diesel :-/