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I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
I don`t mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they`d use the part behind me.
if you wake up at 3am and scream bloody mary three times in the mirror, your mom will tell you to shut up and go to bed
?"I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren`t you wearing pants" look."
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
If you were born in September, it`s pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a BANG
Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can`t spell.
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
My clothes are 75% off and this is not a sale.
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
Call me old school, but I think your shorts should be longer than your private parts.
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.