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Do you ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they aren`t talking?
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Simply amazing how one word spoils the whole sentence: I’m getting laid.....off.
Having a bit of a lazy day, sitting in my underwear looking for jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused
Think about what last call would look like if Walmart had a bar
When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: "It`s done, but there`s blood everywhere!"
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I`m going to need a quick answer for this....
Note to self: Asking the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your Facebook status in no way helps you get out of a DUI.
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
Happy birthday to my Pet Rock who is 453,786,321 years old today!
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.