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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
A Lion would never cheat on his wife.. but a Tiger wood.
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
does anyone know if smurfs are gluten free
My internet is so slow, it`s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
Very excited to announce I`m on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable
Women`s logic: I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.
If my calculations are correct, I can retire about 5 years after I die.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons.
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
It seems like the ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’.
Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....