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It’s like these fools at the gym have never seen someone with roller skates on the treadmill before.
I think it`s safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.
As a child, my mom told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
Don`t waste my timeline.
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
If you tickle me, I’m not responsible for your injuries.
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
Never underestimate the power of the web. -Charlotte
Whenever a stranger asks our baby’s name, I always say he hasn’t told us yet.
thinks we should all jump out of our chairs and do the 5 second happy dance! READY! GO!
"Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt? - You`re wondering now!!!"