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I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
If everything goes as planned, tonight I shall drink myself beautiful.
I grew up in a town where the population never changed… Every time a girl got pregnant, a guy left town
I wonder how long I`ll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I`ve been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake.
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
A lie is a great story that someone ruined with the truth.
Save electricity! Would you like it if someone turned you on and then left?
is here. Now what are your other two wishes?
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
They`re called `selfies` because the only one who`s interested in them is yourself.
Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.
I was at the hospital earlier today and saw a cute girl with a cast on her leg. Naturally, my first thought was "Hey, this one can`t run away..."