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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
Is the CEO of Kraft also known as The Big Cheese?
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m an apple.
Don`t believe everything you think.
I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."
Such a satisfying feeling when “the one that got away” turns into “dodged that bullet”
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
If being lazy paid, damn dude I must be a billionaire.
Some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk & some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk.
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.
"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - my dog
If McDonald´s sold hot dogs, could u, with a straight face, order a McWeiner & tell them 2 super size it?