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If a man speaks at sea where no women can hear, is he still wrong?
I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
Crap, summer is here and I`m nowhere near in drinking shape yet.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
i m not totally useless, i can b used as bad example
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
I repaired my blow up doll with superglue.....that was an awkward trip to the emergency room (<>..<>)
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.