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I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I wonder what my dog has named me?
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I’d get a lot more sleep if I didn’t insist on reading the entire internet every night.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
Who needs the weather network when you have Facebook.
Ebay is really getting worse and worse to use. Yesterday I searched for a cigarette lighter. I got 3,974, 601 matches...
That`s disgusting! (unless you`re up for it?)
Girl rule. A girl will only compliment another girl that is uglier than they are.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons.
Don`t be sad if you didn`t get a Valentine`s Day gift, lt`s not the end of the world. That`s still ten months away.
A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.
If you’ve been naughty… go to your room. If you want to be naughty… go to mine.