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People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until an intoxicated idiot runs face first into a sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
RUN? I thought you said Rum. I quit.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
May your Labor Day contain no Labor!
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That`s where I come in.
To the person who stole my antidepressants..I hope you`re happy now!!!
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
If the breakfast club took place now, all those kids would just be silently texting about their sh!tty Saturday & never make friends w/ each other.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times,......Your probably a woman.
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there`s a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...
scientific fact: never tell a woman she`s crazy unless you want to see crazy.