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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
you need a license to drive, but anyone can have a kid.
The divorce rate among my socks is astonishing.
BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
I`m in the awkward time period between not wanting to have pants on, and having to wait for the pizza guy right now...
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you’re nuts.
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
I`ve been working on losing weight, I was doing Jenny Craig for awhile........till her husband found out (<>..<>)
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
One man’s potato is another man’s vodka.
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
Baking soda seems like a scam. "Be sure to keep this box of magic white powder in the back of your refrigerator."