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Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
I do 5 situps every morning. I know it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times one can hit the "snooze" button......
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
Women say they love a man in uniform but when i go clubbing in my McDonalds uniform none of them will talk to me....I`m confused
So many feelings today. Mostly hunger.
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
It took me quite some time to be this good a procrastinator
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.
Make yourself indispensable at work by hiding everything.
You think you love your family but suddenly there`s three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I`ll give women the power over which to control it."
I`m broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of Meth addicts.