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A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That`s pretty far-fetched.
I am not bossy, I just know how to do things the right way.
Im going to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people`s cars saying "sorry for the damage." Then watching the magic.
i love you with all my butt. i would say heart but my butt is bigger :)
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
Changing a whole text message just because you didn`t know how to spell one word?
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
Most problems can be solved with nudity.
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
My girlfriend isn`t much of a wrestler but you should see her box!!
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"