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I may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don`t have the best childing skills, either.
Ahhh another Monday at work...... I`m having as much fun as a colorblind person playing Twister!
Is a rivalry between two vegetarians still called a beef?
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it`s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
There`s no rehab for stupid! ;P
I know she`s talking about rain but I don`t like hearing my mom say she got 6 inches
In the 60`s we took LSD to make the world look wierd. Now the world is weird and we take Prozac to make it look normal.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but Iām going to be too busy sitting on mine.
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it`s voice activated. I`m at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
I swear, its like EVERY payday I gotta spend money cause there`s a birthday party to go to, a wedding, a baby shower, a new video game, a new stripper, something. Always something...
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.