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My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
Imagine, for a moment, what you could accomplish if you had the persistence and drive of the Adobe Acrobat Reader updater.
I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
If a man repeats everything a woman says, word for word,,,,,,,, is he still wrong?
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
I need to learn the rules to make sure I don`t accidently follow them
Yes, it`s a bad time. Let me call you back when I`m not feeling so honest.
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
When a guy says "I`m Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.
Birds do it. Bees do it. Heck, even fleas do it. Let`s do it! Let`s live in a homeless man`s beard!
My box of Animal Crackers said, "WARNING: Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken." I open the box, and sure enough...
I just wish the automatic paper towel dispensers were half as sensitive as the automatic flushers.