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Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
Right now, a future teen mom is applying copious amounts of body glitter to herself.
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
If you tickle me, Iām not responsible for your injuries.
I Got so Drunk Last Night ,.I Walked Across the Dance Floor to Get Another Drink, and I Won the DANCE COMPETITION...!!
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Sometimes I ask myself why do I stay up so late? Then I tell myself it`s none of my damn business.