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Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
Why periods? Why can`t Mother Nature just text me and be like, "Whaddup Girl?, You ain`t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to ya next month."
If you love something set it on fire, if it... no wait, is that right? sh!t! Be right back...
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
Now that I`m turning 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka.
Oh no. I thought of a brilliant status to update while taking bath but by the time I got back to my phone I forgot it. This is why I hate taking a bath.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
I`m not a bitch, I just have a low bullsh!t tolerance.
Don’t bother looking up “impose.” It’s next to impossible.
I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn`t shop.
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
I don’t just act crazy, I’ll drive you there too.
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.