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I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
You say stalker. I say unpaid private investigator.
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
I`m more confused than a homeless person on house arrest.
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.
We`re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap...
If you enter a room and there`s no food, you`re in the wrong room.
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn`t care.....Ceiling fan: 6 Me: 0
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.