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We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
The real trouble with reality is that there´s no background music
You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
I`d rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
it`s friday o clock
If a zombie apocalypse were to happen in Vegas... would it stay in Vegas?
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.