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Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
Talking louder does not make you any less wrong.
Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
Are you always this stupid? or are you just making special effort today...
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
I`m growing a mullet to test our friendship.
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
Use Angie`s List if you want a plumber to come over. Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
I can`t tell if I actually have free time, or if I`m just forgetting everything...
Rick Ross be rapping about cars he can`t even fit in.
It`s funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
I was chasing my dreams, but I tripped over reality and busted my head on the truth.
I`m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that`s how weather works.
"F*ck that sh!t", is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no"