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Why do baby clothes have pockets?
What happens in Vegas never happens to me.
Never judge a man ’till you’ve driven a mile with his wife.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
Got a little too much sun today. I knew I should have closed the blinds.
I got a letter from my crush on Valentine`s Day. Well, technically it`s a restraining order but still....
Woke up with my credit card lying on my keyboard. I can`t wait to see what drunk me bought sober me.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
There has to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction.
That`s disgusting! (unless you`re up for it?)
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
Secret Web Cam Test: Please nod your head yes if you can read this.
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.
I’m actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.