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I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
If it rains on a dream catcher, does that make it a wet dream catcher?
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.
Why do people ask “What the hell were you thinking?” Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not have to explain it.
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
I`m not opposed to manscaping, but I don`t see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" is super-romantic. But the cops didn`t think so.
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign to depression.
What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire.
Getting a text from someone when I`m trying to Facebook is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.
thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!