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I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
People that chew gum and drink alcohol what the f*ck is wrong with you.
My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker...
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
Upside to hurricanes... you might get a free boat delivered to your front yard.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
If I have to stir it, it’s homemade.
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
As it turns out, I’m not an afternoon person either.
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.
Doctor told me to lose some weight, and suggested walking.So no more drive through taco bell. Now I park 5 spaces away and walk in
believes saying "hi" with a big smile can brighten anyone´s day ... even those who give you the middle finger for cutting them off in traffic.
Not to brag,,,, but legally,,, before something can be labeled "Idiot Proof",,, they have to run it by ME.