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I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
Why isn`t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
If you`re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
liked homework better when it was called coloring.
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
Love going into a crowded area and yelling, "Hey stupid!!" and seeing how many people turn around.
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Walmart...because going to Target requires identity theft protection and a shower.
Don’t you hate it when spiders bite you and you get like zero superpowers?
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
I doubt my inferiority complex is as good as everyone else`s