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I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast
If you really want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with "I shouldn`t be telling you this but ..."
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” .... I said, “I am.”
If at first you don`t succeed, find out where she lives.
Never take advice from people on the Internet. Not even this.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.
Beer: The WD40 for conversations.
Pretty impressed at petrol station today, as i was filling up, i heard woman with truck at next pump say is that Vin Diesel, I smiled, then realised she meant Van Diesel :-/