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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
Beer is good, but beers are better.
I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.
If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you`re wrong. I`m wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.
When you can no long help someone, I can - said the coroner.
It`s not an attitude problem, it`s the way I am.
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.
Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....