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A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
I`m not a doctor but I play one on Match.com
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
Men think they have it bad, but they`re not the ones having to hold their boobs when they run.
You don`t have to dress like you`re a handbag, unless you are Lady Gaga.
Who ever said, "The customer is always right", clearly never worked with the public a day in their life.
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
You know you are the ugly one if they ask you to take the photo.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.