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I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not?
When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.
How come "you`re a peach" is a complement but "you`re bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
There`s a bald spot in my yard so I`m gonna let the grass grow around it really long and then do a comb over.
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
I walked briskly with scissors today. I’m pretty wild.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" is super-romantic. But the cops didn`t think so.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.
Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don`t know who to root for.
.Monday: No. Tuesday: Ugh. Wednesday: Why. Thursday: Omg. Friday: Finally. Saturday: Yes. Sunday: Crying.