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Yes, bitches be trippin’ but maybe I pushed one.
When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.
I don`t get personal trainers. I`ve never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don`t care about being healthy and smelling clean."
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
Celebrities on drugs, politicians having affairs, aliens living mail boxes....I love standing in the check out line, its better than the library....and it has food.
I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don`t squish you guys.
This movie has "adult content"? So, they`re gonna complain about back pains and setting up a 401k?
I’m in a rush to go home and do absolutely nothing.