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I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Please don’t take anything I say personal or too seriously. I’m just an idiot with internet access.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don`t go."
Repeat after me: It doesn’t matter how big the problem is, posting it on Facebook won’t solve it.
I used to care what you thought of me, then I remembered what I thought of you.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
The worst part about being alone is I don`t have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge.
I`m getting so many spam emails. “Grow Your Hair Back”…”Lose weight now” …”Enlarge your manhood”… Wait… these are from my wife.
I wonder if there are birds that prefer not to sing in the morning and that just roll around in their nests until noon.
if drinking destroys your memory .... what does drinking do ?
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.
There are some people in this world who make you totally understand Hannibal Lecter.