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It is days like today that I am glad that we all don`t live in a Yellow Submarine. Well at least not in the same one.
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.
It’s not a great nap, unless you wake up and can’t remember what day it is.
I`ve probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
A communist joke isn`t funny unless everyone gets it.
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken
I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.
Next time you`re in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.
You never know what you have until you clean your room.
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
I would know if I was insane, the voices would tell me.