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My New Year`s resolution is to spend more time wishing my enemies were dead.
I don`t know what everyone`s complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents` basement.
Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
Now that I`m on Facebook, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
"Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
When I`m on my deathbed, I`m definitely going to ask if I can be moved to a different bed.
I`m the opposite of psychic. I don`t even know what I`m thinking! ;)
Ever drink so much your wife makes sense? Me neither...But I keep trying
DAMN IT!!!!! I just ripped the tag off one of my Beanie Babies! Now it`s worthless!!
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Happy 4/21! National work drug testing day!
I prefer to think outside the box because things can get very dark inside it.
You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks`