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People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
I like the parts of the day when food happens.
Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
is in no shape to exercise
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
I totally love and fully respect that you`re a little bit slutty
Watching movies alone sucks. There´s no one to ask, "What did he just say? Who is that guy?"
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?
What makes fancy green beans fancy?
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.
I`m smiling ... You should be scared.
Research shows that 100% of the time when someone says “oh no she didn’t!” she most definitely did.
is ready to have one too many!