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Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...
Ever have the experience of staring at an outfit hanging in your closet and wondering which of the personalities did the shopping that day?
"No comment" - said no woman, ever
It`s hard to compliment a fake person without lying.
I`m not an asshole, I`m just the only one who has the balls to say what everyone else is thinking.
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
Thanksgiving: "Let`s give thanks for the stuff we have." Black Friday: "Ok, let`s get all new stuff."
If you feel lonely... dim all lights & put on a horror-movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.
First you told me to be myself now you`re telling to me not be an idiot. Make up your mind woman!
I said my wife`s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet`s empty...