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Every woman is beautiful in her own unique way. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.
I’m starting to think plates are called china because most of them look the same.
I try to get in at least 30 minutes of talking about exercise every day.
With a great a$$ comes great responsibility!
I wonder how long I can keep "eating for two" before people notice I`m not actually pregnant.
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
I hate it when totally random strangers ask me stupid questions like "Why are you licking me?"
Do homeless people get Knock Knock Jokes?
You`re only young once but you can be immature forever!
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective