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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
Well kids, texting wasn`t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You had to click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
Click Like, if you hate being told what to do.
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH!
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I`m worried that my guardian angel is a crack head.
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the `80s throwing them at Mario.
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
It`s my birthday. I’m not just a year older, I’m also a year better and prettier ... I know your jealous ;)
I`ve already had two beers which automatically means my day is already better than yours.
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
Cooking tip of the day: Rub your eyes BEFORE you dice the jalapenos...