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Iām not drunk, Iām just exhausted from drinking all night.
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy but sometimes I let her sleep instead..
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
The Patriots defensive coverage was almost as bad as the coverage by Obamacare.
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
I can`t wait to get all liquored up, and then go door-to-door to sing some Christmas Carols when it starts to warm up in April...
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
It`d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I`m not naughty ... I`m mischievously creative
If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell