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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5`9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
apparently telling my girlfriend her acuracy is as high as a magic 8 ball wasn`t a good idea.
I`m getting sick of these porn sites listing my videos as "amateur".
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
Humans claim to be the superior species, but a penguin can use its own body as a toboggan so who`s the real winner?
To do list- (1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for the reaction.
Can anyone tell me how to become a illegal immigrant, their benefits are undeniably more superior to our own.
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.
Why do we call it the Sun instead of a space heater?