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I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn`t park anywhere near the place
I`ve reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I`m sorry but, I could not hear you over the sound of my internal hope that you would shut the f*ck up.
There has to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction.
tonights theme: grab somebody sexy tell them hey, give me everything tonight!
I got the girl to hysterically laugh today just by asking her out for a date.
In a new study women with large a$$es live longer………the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives.
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn`t have toilet paper with aloe.
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it
I think I might be bisexual. Because last night I had sex by myself.
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.