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I`ve ended up encountering much less porridge than I had expected I would as a child.
Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
"2 weeks with my baby xoxoxo" lol,calm down romeo&juliet.
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer !
When I`m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.
So if a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should we trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
I am taking a shot for every “like” I get on this status. Then again, I’m taking shots whether you bastards like it or not.
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
"Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid."
I`ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
My memory foam has amnesia
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...