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If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I’ll be out sick.
If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
There were only 3 commandments until Moses’ wife got involved.
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
Apparently telling the airline stewardess that airplane food is "da bomb dat hijacked my tastebuds" is not considered a compliment......
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?