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I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
I wish, just once, I could actually hit the pedestrian crossing the road slow with the "what`re gonna do, hit me" look on their face.
Sandals or shoes? I have adorable toes. All 12
Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
Alcohol. Because who really wants to remember last night?
Of course morning sex is better. You haven`t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Sometimes there just aren’t enough curse words.
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
What does envelope 1 of 3 on my credit card bill mean?
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile at my sparkling wit.
It`s kind of funny how as you get older, you start enjoying things that you hated as a kid, like taking naps and getting spanked.