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The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
Most people decide to have scramble eggs immediately after thinking: "I`ll just flip this omelette"
Unsettling sounds #23 - Ice-cream van after dark
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead, but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I pretend I’m taking an important call and use big words when old people walk by so they’ll think the future is in good hands.
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
I bought my Ex a chair ... But the state won`t let me plug it in.
We all have faults. It`s just that mine are better than yours.
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell `em: "You`re gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!
Giving people the finger while driving just isn`t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
The naked truth, is always better than someone’s best dressed lie.
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.