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It`s nice to know I`m wanted....even if it`s only by the Police!
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
Apparently, “I had an interview with a better company” is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
I can´t wait for summer. One of my highlights of summer is talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
I`m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to sh!t indoors.
Seems like you must have been pretty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary: 1) There are 1`s and 0`s 10) There are no 2`s
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son