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Do trolls even live under bridges anymore? Or have they all relocated to the Internet?
Yes, your opinion matters ... But not to me.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing off everyone is fun and easy.
Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
There`s no law against twerking...but apparently it`s still frowned upon during jury duty.
OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes!
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
Thinking about staying in tonight? Nobody looks back in life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
You`ll never see me on Hoarders because I can`t afford that much sh!t.
Gotta thin the herd. – me eating animal crackers
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?
There is no such thing as something looking "Too good to eat"