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Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
If you got up this morning and ran straight to fb i am 100% POSITIVE its because you missed me.
I just got the results of my IQ test. It came back negative.
Being rich doesn`t equal happiness but i`d rather cry in a ferrari
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Your girl always on her knees. What she forgot she had feet?
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" has obviously never been hit with a dictionary.
It is amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
i wasnt tht drunk u was holding a ballon thinking it was a comdom
Here`s where I draw the line: ___________________________.
Have you ever noticed that half way through the ColonialPenn insurance commercial, Alex Trebek tries to pull a Jedi-Mind-Trick on us.... "This is the insurance you are looking for." (I didn`t get enough sleep last night.)
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.
"Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt? - You`re wondering now!!!"