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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
Maybe vodka is addicted to me
Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
It`s called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I`d of sent a bloody letter
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
If it doesn`t include antidepressants, they shouldn`t call it a Happy Meal.
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
Shall I compare thee to a Summer`s Eve? For thou art a douche.
If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.
I add "Drink Beer" to my weekend to-do list so I know I`ll at least get one thing done.
Some of you ladies need to ease up on the makeup until we get this clown situation resolved.
I`m writing this status very slowly, cause I know you guys can`t read very fast.