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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
The only way you can be right in an argument with a woman is by admitting you`re wrong.
I`ve ended up encountering much less porridge than I had expected I would as a child.
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
When you write misspelled backwards it`s misspelled.
Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV
I`d like to test the theory that money can`t buy you happiness.
They say you are what you eat, though... I don`t recall eating a sexy beast today
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
"You only live once" is also an equally compelling reason not to do something extreme or stupid.
I can paint the house and buy new furniture and my kids won`t notice, but, buy a new phone case...