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I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.
Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
Must be lonely over there on "I`m offended by jokes" island.
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
I always stip to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porn starts off.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
“Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Ever since I installed AdBlock, all the single ladies in my area seemed to have lost interest.
I always drink responsibility I make sure that someone is responsible for buying me drinks.
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.
The awkward moment when someone say "I gotta use the restroom.... Never mind."