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If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
Dear Santa, I was framed!
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! She must be losing it! Who threatens someone with a vacation?
It’s the people that DON`T talk to themselves that are the crazy ones. At least that’s what I tell myself.
If I laugh randomly when you are talking to me, don`t worry, the voices are telling me jokes.
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
If ghosts existed, why are they all apparently from the last 100 years or so? Wouldn’t there be evidence of a Neanderthal ghost here and there?
If your pet has its own FB page, it might be time for a reality check...
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?