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I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
It is amazing how a nice pair of boobs can hide serious flaws and signs of mental illness until after you marry them!
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
The only time I`ve ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.
I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.
Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
"Cannot connect to network. Reset your wireless router." "Umm, okay, but what if my router is in my neighbour`s house? Should I call him?"
Chase you? ... B!tch please, I don`t even chase my liquor.
I don’t understand decaf coffee. It’s like sex without the sex.
There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don`t tell people everything you know
“Be yourself” is the worst advice you can give to some people.
I own a shop selling `CLOSED` signs. We haven`t had a single customer today.
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
if your morning beverage isn`t half booze/half coffee, you`re doing Saturday wrong.