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The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don`t even have to hide a body.
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don`t know me if they think one tiny cheese drawer and two giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Every-time I run I hear Mario Brothers theme song in my head, and look for things to jump over.
If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.
loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.
Now that Microsoft`s Steve Ballmer has bought the Clippers, I wonder if he will release a new version every few years that we all hate.
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I`m at her place showing her how to open it.
My exercise routine needs to include a little more than opening difficult pistachios.