Daily Silly Status

When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.

I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime

How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.

Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar

Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you`re like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you`re from Alabama)

When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomachs.

F is for friends who do stuff without you.

We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.

I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn`t look that much different from my actual head.

Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.

Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.

Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.

When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.

Young enough to know I can. Old enough to know I shouldn`t. Stupid enough to do it anyway.

I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.