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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don`t know how to play chess.
That`s a lot of selfies for someone that claims to be emotionally stable
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
Swearing releases stress and that`s just one of the f*cking reasons I do it.
Not so great minds also think alike.
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.
I drink coffee for your protection.
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.