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I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
Why does the girl in the Wendy`s commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?
is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
Must be lonely over there on "I`m offended by jokes" island.
Apparently you can not demand to be strip searched.
The most frustrating thing I`ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...
There are 10 types of people in the world, Those that understand binary, and those who don`t.