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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I don`t know what`s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
I`ve never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
Pro tip: “Hold my drink” is not a proper response to “License and registration, please.” … apparently.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.
Breaking News: Viagra shippment stolen... Cops are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.