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Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
You laugh because I`m different ........... I laugh because I farted.
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat? Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
You might call it ‘whipped.’ I call it `guy who’s getting laid.’
A cross-eyed teacher has no control over her pupils
First thing I do when I realize I’m lost…turn the radio down.
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
Yes, I used to "dance like no one is watching"; at least until Google Earth sent me a certificate for ten free lessons.
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.