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Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I am a Mother hear me roar.....especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
props to the parent at the mall that walked up afterward to ask santa what his kid wanted lol
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I`m not that surprised.
Can anybody PLEASE tell me where you buy Common Sense?? I know several people that need some!!!
If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I just need someone to feed me and tell me I’m pretty.