Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you`ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.
If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll do it.
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
I didn`t break the rules. They were broken when I got here.
I don`t trust stairs. They always look like they`re up to something.
The girl on the flyer is never at the club.
The only stock options I have are chicken and beef.
I wish I could understand what women with big boobs are saying.
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore
Cactuses are just heavily armed cucumbers.