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I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.
If you could have all of Bill Gates` money or world peace, what colour would your Lamborghini be?
I just burned 1200 calories! I forgot about the pizza in the oven.
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
I ate gummy bears and didn`t bite off their heads or make screaming noises as they entered my mouth and I think this means I`m an adult now.
When I think of you I touch myself ... On my temples ... You give me a migraine.
exactly how long is a cotton picking minute.
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
I wish my bladder had a snooze button.
Scratch and Sniff Here [____] …Smells like glass, doesn’t it
Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.