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I`m starting to think all that stuff about Y2K is not going to happen !
Toilets are really just fart amplifiers when you are trying to be quiet.
Sunglasses allow you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like facebook in real life.
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger...Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don`t like.
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
Where is the "Made In China" labels made?
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)
I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"