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As a man, EVERY month is `Breast Awareness Month` for me.
Not to brag, but I`m pretty good in bed. I don`t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
Nothing is more comical than seeing someone tiptoe with cheeks clenched hastily en route to a washroom to do #2.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
I have heard of women that aren`t crazy, but I`ve also heard of Unicorns.
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I know where you can buy drugs"
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I`ve done it in the bathroom, I`ve done it in the bedroom, I`ve done it in the kitchen, on the couch, outside, in the bus, yoo I just can`t seem to stop this texting.:)
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.
Hey you! Yea you ... Don`t just pass by my status and not say hi.