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Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
I`m pretty sure by now “lazy” is just part of my personality description.
Dating should be like buying a car. You should get to talk to the previous owners... SHOW ME THE MANFAX!!
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I’ve done in my entire life.
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
So I harvested my tomato today, it`s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
I`m sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That`s only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.
Hell, I finally figured out what was wrong with me ... I have been reading the wrong horoscope!!
Dear Boyfriend, Your wallet was getting fat so I thought I’d take it out for some exercise. Sincerely, your Girlfriend.
Ironman and Batman`s only super powers is being super rich and smart really makes Bill Gates a real disappointment.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever....
I`m one of the nicest a$$holes you could ever hope to meet.
If only there was a way to voice a highly uneducated opinion to thousands of people on a regular basis