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Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
These kids next door to me need to quit yelling. I`m about to wake up their mom and send her back over there.
that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?
Dimples are considered a facial muscledeformity in the medical world.
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
Saying a prayer for all the turkeys today. Also the single people with concerned relatives.
Don`t take nude pics. Problem solved.
I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!
They say you need to listen to what your body is telling you. But mine just points and laughs.
In life you will meet all sorts of people, happy, moody, shy, loud, weird, and then there`s me So deal with it mmuhaaaaaaaahaaahaaaa that`s right !
You can`t always decide who walks into your life, but you can decide which window to throw them out of.
Every store should have one line for people who have their sh!t together.