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It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them......the police call it indecent exposure but whatever.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.
Wedding: The really expensive party taking place relatively 5-10 years before your divorce.
If every social website was set up to look like a spreadsheet, pretending to work would be so much easier for me.
Want the truth? Just ask a kid.
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
Until today, I thought American Horror Story was a book about marriage.
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
You know you`re an alcoholic when the only Holiday cards that you get are from your neighborhood pubs.
If I had a dollar for every time I had a nickel.......
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
Doormats are a gateway rug.