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Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
I put on my pants like everyone else. Right after the security guard in Target says "Sir, we`re going to have to ask you to leave."
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I couldn`t find the word `Disappear` in the dictionary. Strange!
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
Just saw the book "Marriage for Dummies." ... Shouldn`t there be an "is" in there somewhere?
Handle every stressful situation like a Dog.....Pee on it and walk away.
If I could have anything in the world it would be to have the same finger prints as my enemy
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You`re annoying enough as it is
Guys, if you buy ANY woman clothing, & you don’t get her a size S with a gift receipt, you’re an a$$hole.
True Story: People will believe you when start a story saying "True story"
If someone doesn`t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don`t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.