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I decided I`m going to be poor... Its Cheaper :)
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
I said "Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t." but the judge didn`t buy it.
I used to be in a band called "missing cat". You`ve probably seen our poster.
If you are alone and feeling lonely, fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Waldo’s mom must be worried sick.
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.
drinks well with others.