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I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.
We laughed, we cried, we tried another credit card.
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
That awkward moment when you finally realize what your rice krispies are saying to you.
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
I mean if men are better at math why do they get the lenght wrong all the time.
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
Why do hospitals need to advertise? It`s not like I`m going to go to Home Depot instead.
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Facebook. “…you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave…”
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...
Once again its friday I know its only been 7 days since the last one but feels like its been a week....
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.