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I would explain it to you again, but I am fresh out of puppets and crayons.
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
If it doesn`t include antidepressants, they shouldn`t call it a Happy Meal.
I`ve learned to take life as it comes...straight with no chaser.....
Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
A child`s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
In alcohol`s defence, I`ve done some pretty dumb sh*t while completely sober too.
If I was antisocial I wouldn`t have just ordered a pizza over the phone.
Me: You`re the prettiest girl I`ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you`re smart too, I like that.
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever
Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don`t know who to root for.