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People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
I just wanted you all to know that I’m leaving Facebook. This ride has been a blast and I’ve made a ton of friends who I really do consider friends in the truest sense. Your humor and wit is amazing. I’ll miss all of you, but I’ve decided I need to spend more time with my family. So... see you after breakfast
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
Never trust anyone who smiles this early in the morning.
A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along.
I’m supporting our troops today by going commando.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don`t think it`s weird when I have jam in my hair.
I got a Rolex for my birthday from my lesbian friends. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
If God didn`t want us to eat Animals he wouldn`t made them out of meat.
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
Stop picking on Justin Bieber. That`s somebody`s daughter.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Benefits of hooking up with me: You will be hooking up with me. I could go on but I think I made my point.